Waves

Waves crashing over me,
Waves of sadness,
Waves of frustration,
Waves of hopelessness.

In between, the relief of feeling
Normal.

As the ocean sucks back its spent waves
I’m ready for the next one.
Braced for it to smash into me.
I think I know what’s coming,
But it surprises me with its strength
And I’m staggering back,
Struggling to stand against the onslaught.

I catch my breath, trying to find
Balance.

Waves crashing over me,
Waves of loneliness,
Waves of self-loathing,
Waves of pain.

I want to get off this beach 😦

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Fighting

There was a small candle.
Not perfect but bravely burning and keeping the dark at bay.
Now it’s been snuffed out, the darkness comes rushing back in.
Billowing clouds of deep inky blackness that make everything grey.

Fighting to stay afloat.
Fighting to see some hope.
Fighting myself.

I have all the platitudes, I know it’s right and we’ll be ok.
I know all that and yet I’m bleeding, all the life draining out of me.
Lying on the ground broken and alone.
Everything is pain and pain is all there is.

Fighting to stay afloat.
Fighting to see some hope.
Fighting myself.

And the sun will still set.
And the sun will still rise.
And life will go on.

Walls

I’m gonna build me some walls

I’m gonna make them 10 feet high

I’m gonna put barbed wire on the top and bits of spiky glass

I’m gonna lock the gate and bolt it shut

I’m gonna build a bunker underground

I’m gonna buy the world’s strongest safe

I’m gonna bury it deep beneath the soil in my walled garden

And that’s where my heart is going to stay

Light

A light appears from an unexpected source

Like a beam of sunshine burning through the fog

Warming and brightening the gloom

It shines with an intensity that scares me

Like a searchlight seeing right through my soul

I am all at once exposed yet safe, bewildered yet soothed

The light lifts me and cradles me gently

Leaving me comforted

The Edge

Again, I am teetering on the edge.

Looking down at the swirling darkness,

Tempted to leap in and let it take me.

 

It feels like pain is all there is.

Nothing but the tearing loneliness,

When brief connections just make it worse when they’re over.

 

Questions go unanswered, needs go unmet.

I am lost. Empty and alone.

I want to smother the feelings, blank out the hurt.