Pain

interminable
shadow
on my days
sucking
sapping
swallowing joy
indelibly attached
to each moment
a constant
refrain
hidden from sight
aching stabbing
burning
searing
ripping
tearing
and never
ever
ever
ending
~
I become
accustomed
to this
torment

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pain

In the silence I think about the pain. I think about the days and days, so many days, since it wasn’t there. One day it wasn’t there, and then it was. And is. Still. Around about 300 days. 300 days of pain in varying amounts. Some ups. Some downs. But always pain to some degree. And there is nothing I can do. Take drugs. Do exercises. Hope. But there is nothing I can do to make it stop right now. There is no magic pill, no doctor will fix me (not bad enough to fix). Nothing I can do. Nothing. Is this who I am now? This person in pain? This person who has to find a ‘special’ chair in meetings because the posh chairs hurt? This person who limps along on bad days? Who moves uphill at snails pace, and wonky-walks back down again? Who takes more drugs than I would have ever imagined? Who is still in pain, despite them? And people offer sympathy (so gratefully received) and ideas of swimming and yoga and osteopaths. But what I need is healing of my heart. Adjustment of my mind. Not activities or manipulations (that cost too much). I need to cease this fruitless railing at the pain. Is that giving in, or just accepting the truth? 300 days of pain. 300 days of moaning. And wondering still, why me?

Sorry

I’m sorry I’ve  not posted much this week. I am fuzzy with drugs for my sciatica. I’m just about managing to get through the day at work and after that I’m just plain fuzzy. Hard to do anything but essentials. This photo of a bee is a bit like I feel – fuzzy and out of focus!

IMG_1458

cloud

floating
     on a cloud
   in my

        wonky

   world

I dare to dream
      these pills
   could work

    I could be

  normal

    again

pains

all my words
are gloom
written of your pain
and mine
all I can write
is of this aching
burning singe
which
though less
than your sleepless
night-paced
throbbing
nonetheless
possesses me
becomes
all that I am
here in the dark

balloon

I am a helium balloon
tied to a blue ribbon
a frayed blue ribbon
on the verge
of letting go
to float high
’til I reach
the ceiling of the world
where I’ll bob
forlorn
’til I shrivel
and fall

sleepless night

I barely slept
at all
last night
no thoughts
were buzzing
through my head
just my mind
was strongly set
to sleep no more
refusing to
allow it
as my body
tensed
clenched
fearing
to rest
all scrunched
with pain
as every move
is stabbing
no place of
comfort there
and now my eyes
are scratchy tired
I dare not move
induce the pain
again
so I sit
very still
work hard to distract
from the ache
and the stiffening
and wish for
soothing sleep