thought leak

what is the point
of this day-after-daily-grind
work pain sleep (badly) pain work
this question swims
round my mind
and this pain
is woven through everything
and the guilt with the pain
that I moan so
when it could be worse
and it’s not so bad I catch my breath
but the pain and not-enough-sleep
and hormones
and work-stress
colours all my thoughts
and easily I slide
from pain to guilt
to snowball rolling fast
I am not good enough
not positive enough
not nice enough
not … enough
and down we go
and tears
and tears
and you standing
no words
just a hand brushing tears
and tears
and I think
if I could just sleep for a day
or if I could just get that X-ray
or if I could just take your pain away
it would all be alright
but I can’t
and the thoughts tumble
round and round
and I sit in silence
without a single word to say
that won’t unleash a storm



feeling foolish
I hide my face
behind a curtain of hair
small things
trigger memories
of bigger things
and tears prickle


and the tears come
in a sodden rush
dripping off my chin
as I weep
for the loss
of pain-free days
weep at the tiredness
that seeps
into my bones
and wonder
when will it end


not good enough
not fun enough
not good enough
not brave enough
not good enough
not sexy enough
not good enough
too shy
too blue
too much
too many
it rants and rants
around my brain
you ask am I ok
and my answer
only tears
no words
and oh so tired
so very tired
why must I
spin in circles
when my gravity
is here?


the snowball
that is me unravelling
rolls downhill
growing in size
from one small thing
the world starts to spin
faster and wilder
tumbling and falling
’til I crash in your arms
squeaky voice tears
soaking your shirt
and hold on tight
to your love

secret tear (a Cyhydedd Fer)

hidden from sight this time of year
often is shed a secret tear
behind closed doors it trickles down
escaping with a worried frown
expectations of this season
can bring pressure beyond reason
as perfect presents must be bought
and rising panic must be fought
it cannot be a perfect day
so let’s see it another way
realise there’s no need for faking
and admit our hearts are aching
enjoy the day for what it is
allow a lull of festive fizz
come together with affection
and embrace our imperfection

This is an attempt at a Cyhydedd Fer, which is a form of Welsh poetry.


your words wrap round me
like the touch
of softest silk
on exposed skin
eyes shimmer and shine
as I look
at your sweetness
and kiss away
your tears as they fall
fears drift away
replaced by